Sunday morning I work up at 7am, put on a pair of shorts and compression socks, gobbled up a banana and granola bar, sipped on a cup of water, and set my stopwatch to zero. I let my dogs out back and stepped outside to get a taste for the temperature. Then suddenly, as I stood there dressed and ready to go, I realized my 18 mile long run was not going to happen. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Instead of turning on my music and heading out the door, I went back upstairs, defeated, and broke down. In my two and half years of running, and barring injury, I have always sucked it up, gone out there, and finished my run. This time was different.
Mentally I consider myself to be a strong runner. Bad runs happen, by overall, I don't deal with a lot of self-doubt. Finding success in running helps boosts my confidence in other areas of my life, which is one of the reasons I love it. But this weekend I let anxiety and self-doubt win. Instead of feeling like my usual capable self, I felt defeated. I failed.
This has been a tough semester for me and, as we fully dive into April, otherwise known as the end of the semester, I've been feeling more and more overwhelmed. Sunday morning everything came crashing down. The thought of running for 3 hours and then sitting down to do hours upon hours of work seemed impossible.
Obviously no one has a gun to my head telling me to run. It's something I put on myself and its only as important as I believe it to be. On the one hand I am glad that I didn't force myself to run when I really didn't want to. Its important to be flexible and take breaks when your body and mind tells you to. On the other hand, I feel like I'm in this vicious cycle. The doubt I've felt in some of the non-running areas of my life has now negatively affected my running, And when I lose confidence in my running, I in turn lose confidence in other areas of my life. And around and around it goes.
Eventually Mike convinced me to go out for a shorter run with him. We settled on 10 miles, but I still wasn't remotely excited about it. Truthfully, it was one of the hardest 10 mile runs of my life. I wanted to quit every mile, and probably would have if my husband weren't by my side. The whole time I kept wondering how the hell I ran 50 miles when getting to the next stoplight seemed so hard.
I wish I could tell you that I felt better after the run, that my anxiety levels deflated and I regained my confidence, but I didn't. I hope that this weekend was the turn around point and that my running mojo is out there somewhere ready for me to find. I'm ready to feel strong again.
Mentally I consider myself to be a strong runner. Bad runs happen, by overall, I don't deal with a lot of self-doubt. Finding success in running helps boosts my confidence in other areas of my life, which is one of the reasons I love it. But this weekend I let anxiety and self-doubt win. Instead of feeling like my usual capable self, I felt defeated. I failed.
This has been a tough semester for me and, as we fully dive into April, otherwise known as the end of the semester, I've been feeling more and more overwhelmed. Sunday morning everything came crashing down. The thought of running for 3 hours and then sitting down to do hours upon hours of work seemed impossible.
Obviously no one has a gun to my head telling me to run. It's something I put on myself and its only as important as I believe it to be. On the one hand I am glad that I didn't force myself to run when I really didn't want to. Its important to be flexible and take breaks when your body and mind tells you to. On the other hand, I feel like I'm in this vicious cycle. The doubt I've felt in some of the non-running areas of my life has now negatively affected my running, And when I lose confidence in my running, I in turn lose confidence in other areas of my life. And around and around it goes.
Eventually Mike convinced me to go out for a shorter run with him. We settled on 10 miles, but I still wasn't remotely excited about it. Truthfully, it was one of the hardest 10 mile runs of my life. I wanted to quit every mile, and probably would have if my husband weren't by my side. The whole time I kept wondering how the hell I ran 50 miles when getting to the next stoplight seemed so hard.
I wish I could tell you that I felt better after the run, that my anxiety levels deflated and I regained my confidence, but I didn't. I hope that this weekend was the turn around point and that my running mojo is out there somewhere ready for me to find. I'm ready to feel strong again.
I can relate to this more than anything, this has been me for the last 4+ months. It is so defeating and I've been beating myself up about it. I have a lot going on in normal life too which seems to be taking over. I've been trying to just take it as it comes and let the drive come back but it hasn't been easy, hope yours comes back soon!!
ReplyDeletejust take comfort in the fact that EVERYONE has those days. you're going to find your running mojo again, i've no doubt about that!
ReplyDeleteon the flip of that: i know how paralyzing and frustrating it can be to lose your running mojo - i lost mine about 6 months ago and am still struggling off and on to find it again. i'm trying to just take it one step at a time, putting one foot in front of the next.
hope you relocate your mojo quickly!!
I have this happen a lot. It's hard to find the fine line of respecting how you feel and getting out there to train. I hope you can find it and that the semester's end comes soon!
ReplyDeleteSo I've been reading your blog for a little over a year (I love it!) and have never commented, but I felt compelled to upon reading this post.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean by letting anxiety from the rest of your life filter into your running experience. I've going through a huge slump since my first marathon in November. First I developed ITBS during my last month of training, ran the race with it (stupid), and had to take a bunch of time off. I haven't been able to motivate myself much since then and now I'm trying to finish writing my PhD dissertation which have to finish by June. I also am trying to find a job, and the stress of that plus trying to wrap-up 6 years of grad school is making me feel so overwhelmed that I don't have the energy to run, which is the only thing that makes me feel better! I keep reminding myself that this is a difficult season of my life and that it will pass.
I have faith that you (and even my unmotivated, barely running 15 mi/week self) will find your running mojo again, soon! In fact, I think that you're one of the most mentally strong runners that I follow in the running blog world. I started running a little after you did (January 2011), and you have made WAY more progress than I have. I'm in awe of the fact that you ran a 50 mile race this past fall, and that you had such a huge marathon PR! And your ability to develop and commit to rigorous training schedules is inspiring! I've never run more than 35 mi/week and that was at the height of marathon training. The fact that your base mileage is consistently over 40 is awesome! Maybe sometime you can help me come up with an organized approach to slowly increase my mileage? I am BAD at organizing my training!
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I totally believe in you, this bad mojo will pass, and that I know you're going to have some great runs heading your way soon! :) Sorry this turned out so LONG!!
This is a really well written post, and it's definitely something that I deal with, and I think most runners do. It's hard to run when a million other responsibilities are taking over your brain and you just spend the run fretting over all you have to do. Sometimes you just need to devote yourself to other things, but it will come back! You love running, that's why you ran a 50 miler! Get through this semester, and you'll get there!
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